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Μέσα από σένα, μ’ έχασα. Μέσα από σένα ΜΕ ξαναβρήκα!

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Της Χριστίνας Ζαμπούνη.

Απόψε  σε δικάζω…
Για όλα μου τα συναισθήματα  που γεννήθηκαν με μοναδικό σκοπό,  να σου χαριστούν κι εσύ τα θεώρησες δεδομένα και τα ξεπούλησες.

Για όλα όσα πρόδωσες χωρίς δισταγμό.
Για όλες τις φορές που δε σε συγκίνησαν  τα δάκρυά μου και τ’ απλωμένα χέρια μου δεν ήταν ικανά να σε «κρατήσουν» …
Για όλα τα «σ΄αγαπώ»  που ορκίστηκες χωρίς να τα εννοείς.
Για όλα τα λόγια που δεν είχες τα κότσια  να κάνεις πράξεις.

Για όλα τα όνειρα που καταδίκασες στην αν-εκπλήρωση…

Για τις κάλπικες συγγνώμες σου.

Για τις «χωρίς μπέσα»  επιστροφές σου …

Απόψε όλα ζητούν δικαίωση. Και θα την έχουν!

Τους τη χρωστάω, άλλωστε!

Θυμάμαι πως ένιωθα κάθε φορά, που έλεγες θα φύγεις.

Έτρεμα,  χανόμουν. Μ’ έπιανε πανικός.
Απ’ αυτόν που παγώνει το αίμα και σε δευτερόλεπτα σε ακινητοποιεί.
Στα μάτια μου ερχόταν  βροχή που γρήγορα  γινόταν καταιγίδα.
Μια θύελλα που έπνιγε ότι όμορφο μου είχες τάξει, αλλά ανίκανη να ξεπλύνει τα ψέματά σου.

Κάθε φυγή σου,  απόλυτη δυστυχία!

Κάθε επιστροφή σου, «παρ’ ολίγον» ευτυχία… κι εγώ, στη χειρότερη εκδοχή του εαυτού μου, ένα πιόνι στο άνανδρο παιχνίδι σου …

Δεν υπήρχα χωρίς εσένα! Δεν πίστευα σε μένα…

Κοιτάω  στο καθρέφτη μέρες τώρα…

Τρομάζω  γιατί δε με αναγνωρίζω πια.

Ένα φάντασμα του εαυτού μου, αυτό βλέπω!

Και πίσω του να τρέχουν κουρελιασμένες οι αναμνήσεις μας κι οι στιγμές μας καταδικασμένες να ξεχαστούν.
Διαμελισμένα τα συναισθήματά μου , κείτονται νεκρά.
Σε όποια γωνιά κοιτάξω, την έχουν  βάψει κόκκινη με το αίμα τους…
Αλήθεια έχεις μυρίσει ποτέ αίμα που σαπίζει;
Δεν αντέχεται η μπόχα απ’ τη σαπίλα…
Πόσο απαίσια βρωμάνε τα μουχλιασμένα όνειρα, ξέρεις;
Αποκλείεται να ξέρεις!  Αν ήξερες,  θα προσπαθούσες να τα σώσεις.

Είναι αλήθεια τελικά.

Η «εξάρτηση» από κάποιον άνθρωπο μπορεί να βγάλει στην επιφάνεια έναν εαυτό μας που δε ξέραμε καν ότι υπήρχε!

Κι ο δικός μου εαυτός δε ΜΕ «πιστεύει» πια…

Συνειδητοποιώντας ότι είσαι ότι πιο τοξικό εισχώρησε μέσα μου και δηλητηρίασε ότι όμορφο υπήρχε,  ΜΕ  λυπήθηκα!

Και τότε ακριβώς  αποφάσισα πως Δεν Σου Αξίζω!

Μ’ έψαξα κι ευτυχώς, ΜΕ  ξαναβρήκα!
Φτάνουν πια, τα μεθυσμένα μηνύματα, τ’ αξημέρωτα βράδια πνιγμένα στο καπνό, τα  «χωρίς αύριο» πισωγυρίσματα…
Φτάνουν τα σκοτάδια. Δε τ ‘ αντέχω άλλο!

Θέλω να προχωράω και να βλέπω που πάω. Έστω λίγα μέτρα μπροστά…
Θέλω να μη σκοντάφτω πια, στις δήθεν ξεχασμένες, αποσκευές, που παρέλειψες να πάρεις μαζί σου φεύγοντας.
Θέλω να μη παρεκτρέπομαι σε κάθε όνειρο που πέταξες καταμεσής του δρόμου.
Θέλω να μη πέφτω πάνω σε κάθε παρατημένο  «σ’ αγαπώ σου»  στη μέση του πουθενά.

Θέλω να  ΜΕ ξαναγαπήσω και να προχωρήσω!

ΜΕ είχα εγκαταλείψει  στο έλεός σου, μα εσύ δεν είχες τσίπα!

Για  ν’ αγαπάω εσένα, (ξ)έχασα εμένα!

Μέσα από σένα, μ’ έχασα … Μέσα από σένα ΜΕ ξαναβρήκα!

Θα ήθελα τώρα να ήσουν εδώ,  ΜΟΝΟ για να δεις πώς ξαναγεννήθηκα μέσα από τις στάχτες μου πιο Δυνατή!

Τα κατάφερα και χωρίς εσένα κι ας υπήρξες για μένα  τα πάντα.

Όλα όσα πια, δε βρίσκω λέξεις, για να τα περιγράψω.
Ίσως,  γιατί έπαψαν να γεννιούνται οι λέξεις μόνο για να σου χαριστούν.
Ίσως,  γιατί έπαψα  ν’ ανασαίνω μόνο για να ΖΕΙΣ.
Διεκδίκησα Εμένα και ΜΕ κέρδισα!
Επιτέλους ΖΩ  για μένα.
Μπορώ κι αναπνέω χωρίς να πονάω.
Μπορώ και ξυπνάω κι αντέχω να μη σε σκεφτώ.

Μπορώ κι ονειρεύομαι, χωρίς να πρωταγωνιστείς στα όνειρά μου.
Μπορώ να είμαι ΕΓΩ χωρίς να σ’ έχω.
Μπορώ και προχωράω χωρίς να σε ψάχνω για να στηριχτώ.
Μπορώ και γελάω χωρίς να είσαι η αιτία.
Επιτέλους, ξεκόλλησα κι αποτοξινώθηκα  από σένα!

Μου έκανες μεγάλο καλό, τελικά…

Μου χάρισες ΕΜΕΝΑ, στην καλύτερη εκδοχή μου.
Την πιο ανθεκτική! Την πιο δυνατή! Την πιο ταμπουρωμένη…
Σου υπόσχομαι να μη «ΜΕ ξαναχάσω» ποτέ και για κανέναν! και να είμαι πιο προσεχτική σε όσα δίνω.

Αν κάτι μου έμαθες καλά, είναι να κρατάω κάτι και για μένα.

Ας είσαι καλά… Αυτό θα στο χρωστάω!

Τα ψέματα τελειώνουν μαζί με τη νύχτα. Με το φως της μέρας  εσύ Δε θα Υπάρχεις πουθενά!

Την πρώτη μέρα της «μετά από σένα ζωής μου», θα έρθει κι η λύτρωση!

Θα σε αποκολλήσω απ’ τα μέσα μου, θα απογυμνωθούν από σένα…

Απόψε σε δίκασα ερήμην σου,  με όλα τα ελαφρυντικά…

Κρίθηκες ένοχος χωρίς αμφιβολία!
Σε αποφυλακίζω απ’ την καρδιά μου… λοιπόν!

Ήρθε ο καιρός να εκτίσεις την πραγματική ποινή που σου Αξίζει…
Ισόβια στη λήθη.

Μπορείτε να διαβάσετε την άλλη όψη του νομίσματος στο κείμενο της Μαρίας Κουσαντάκη.

αναπνοές

Χριστίνα Ζαμπούνη

Είμαι από τους ανθρώπους που όσο δύσκολα κι αν είναι τα πράγματα δε παύω να ονειρεύομαι και να ζω τα όνειρά μου! Επίμονη! Πεισματάρα! Τελειομανής! Αθεράπευτα ρομαντική... Ονειρεύομαι, έναν καλύτερο κόσμο, πιο αληθινό, πιο ειλικρινή, πιο ανθρώπινο! Ιδιαίτερα συναισθηματική με ότι αυτό συνεπάγεται... Ψάχνω πάντα να βρω στους ανθρώπους τη θετική τους πλευρά και πιστεύω πως όλοι έχουν κι απ' αυτήν! Φύσει αισιόδοξη, πιστεύω πως τίποτα δεν είναι αδύνατο όταν το θέλουμε πολύ! Αγαπώ τους "καθαρούς" και "ανοιχτούς" ανθρώπους με θέληση και πείσμα για ζωή που δεν παύουν να ονειρεύονται και να ελπίζουν σε κάτι καλύτερο. Λατρεύω να ταξιδεύω ακόμη και νοερά. Ο σπουδαιότερος ρόλος της ζωής μου είναι ο ρόλος της μητέρας, κι ο μεγαλύτερος φόβος μου μην αποτύχω σ' αυτόν! Πάντα μου άρεσε να αποτυπώνω στο χαρτί τις βαθύτερες σκέψεις και τα συναισθήματά μου και νιώθω πανευτυχής που "αναπνέω" μαζί σας!

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Γράφει ο Κωνσταντίνος Καρύδης

«Όλοι μαλάκες είναι».
Πόσο εύκολα έχουν ειπωθεί αυτές οι λέξεις. Πόσο μελάνι δεν χύθηκε, πόσες συζητήσεις έμειναν στη μέση μόνο και μόνο γιατί το συμπέρασμα ήταν το εξής ένα. «Όλοι μαλάκες είναι».

Συμφωνώ, υπάρχουν πολλών ειδών «μαλάκες». Αν, όμως, εσύ δεν μπορείς να ξεχωρίσεις το αγόρι απʾ τον άντρα, και τον άντρα απʾ το αρσενικό δε σου φταίει κανένας, είναι δικό σου θέμα και καθόλου δεν με ενδιαφέρει.

Κρύβεσαι πίσω από δύο αποσιωπητικά, βουτηγμένη μέσα στο δήθεν φεμινισμό σου και δεν καταλαβαίνεις πως ουσιαστικά κάνεις ζημιά μόνο σε εσένα.

Το αγόρι, ο άντρας ή το αρσενικό (αν και τα δυο τελευταία έχουν λίγο μπερδεμένο νόημα) υπάρχει πιθανότητα να μην πάψει ποτέ να έχει αυτή του την ιδιότητα μέχρι τέλους.

Υπάρχει, όμως, καλή μου, μια κατηγορία αγοριών τα οποία «μυρίζουν» από μακριά πως όταν τα μαλλιά τους ασπρίσουν, θα έχουν αποδείξει ότι είναι αρσενικά (κρατώντας το «αρσενικά» ως τον υπέρτατο χαρακτηρισμό σʾ έναν άντρα).
Θα ωριμάσει μέσα από τον αυτοσαρκασμό του και θα βάλει την εκτίμηση που έχει στη γυναίκα δίπλα του πάνω απʾ όλα.

Είναι αυτός ο άντρας που θα ήθελες να δεις δίπλα στην κόρη σου, εκείνος στον οποίο θα ήθελες να μοιάσει ο γιος σου.

Είναι αυτός που θα καταφέρει να σʾ ανεβάσει ψηλά χωρίς να έχει μπράτσα και κοιλιακούς. Ξέρει να ξεχωρίσει το γυναικάκι απʾ την γυναίκα και θα διυλίσει την κάθε σου ματιά.

Ξέρει τι θα πει ευγένεια, εκτίμηση και θα στη δείξει ακόμα και στον τρόπο που περπατάει δίπλα σου ή στον τρόπο που μιλάει για εσένα στους φίλους του.

Δεν πιστεύω να νομίζετε πως ακόμα κι αυτός ο τύπος άντρα δε θα κοιτάξει άλλη γυναίκα.
Φυσικά και θα κοιτάξει, μα το νόημα δεν είναι τι θα κοιτάξει, αλλά πού θα καταλήξει τελικά το βλέμμα του, γιατί πολύ απλά εκείνο ανήκει μόνο σʾ εσένα.

Τα υπόλοιπα απλά τα προσπερνά σαν την πρώτη ματιά που ρίχνει μπαίνοντας σʾ ένα bar προσπαθώντας να βρει ένα κενό τραπέζι να κάτσετε.
Αυτό είσαι για εκείνον, η ξεχωριστή, μοναδική γωνιά, το μοναδικό τραπέζι που ψάχνει να βρει για νʾ αράξει.

Για τον πραγματικό άντρα, το «σʾ ευχαριστώ» και το «συγγνώμη» είναι ένα σύνολο γραμμάτων τα οποία με μεγάλη ευκολία θα τα συντάξει στη σωστή σειρά, για να τους αποδώσει τις τιμές που τους αναλογούν και μαζί μʾ αυτά και σε εσένα.

Την αποδοχή σου την έχει γραμμένη στα παλαιότερα των υποδημάτων του, μιας κι αυτό που αναζητά είναι η εκτίμηση κι ο σεβασμός σου.
Θα αποζητήσει σʾ εσένα τη γνώμη σου, την άποψή σου κι όχι ένα κοριτσάκι που θα του ψελλίζει συνεχόμενα, φοβισμένα «ναι».

Απλώνει το χέρι του να σε κρατήσει, έτσι απλά, επειδή είναι ικανός να κάνει το απλό, σημαντικό.

Είσαι η ιδανική για εκείνον, όχι επειδή συμμορφώνεσαι με κάποια πρότυπα, αλλά επειδή δεν τον ενδιαφέρει το ιδανικό και δεν το ψάχνει. Ξέρει τον τρόπο να σε κάνει να νιώσεις ιδανική για εκείνον κι αυτό του αρκεί.

Είναι ο άντρας που δεν είναι όμορφος, αλλά θα σου αποδεικνύει καθημερινά πως μοναδικός σκοπός του είναι το να νιώθει όμορφος στα μάτια σου.

Ξέρει να ηγηθεί, και μέσα απʾ την ηγετική του υπόσταση θα καλύψει όλες σου τις ανασφάλειες, την ίδια στιγμή που στα μάτια σου θα αναζητά εκείνη που θα μείνει στα δύσκολα χωρίς πολλές φαμφάρες.

Να ξέρεις πως τα λόγια του είναι οι πράξεις του, αλλά ακόμα κι όταν τα χρησιμοποιεί, το κάνει για να μην ξεχνιέσαι, γιατί ξεχνιέστε, αγαπητή μου.

Είναι εκείνος που στο άκουσμά του θα ριγήσεις από πόθο, θα σε κάνει να τον ποθήσεις παίζοντας με το μυαλό σου κι όχι με το κορμί σου.

Στο τέλος της ημέρας, στο κρεβάτι σου, θα είναι αυτός που, κλείνοντας τα μάτια σου δίπλα του, θα σε κάνει να χαμογελάσεις με την εικόνα ενός γέρου γκριζομάλλη που σε πλησιάζει από πίσω κουτσαίνοντας, και σε παίρνει αγκαλιά, την ίδια στιγμή που φιλά τον ρυτιδιασμένο σου λαιμό.

Αυτός ο ίδιος που το πρωί δε θα ξεχάσεις ποτέ να τον αποχαιρετήσεις με μια καλημέρα και ένα φιλί.

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feautured

Όσο αγαπάς τον εαυτό σου τόσο θα αγαπάς τους άλλους.

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Της Ανθής Κατερίνη.

Αποκτάς μεγαλύτερη αγάπη για τους άλλους όταν αρχίζεις να φροντίζεις τον εαυτό σου. Εάν θέλεις να τους αγαπήσεις και δεν μπορείς να το εκφράσεις, η ίδια αυτή δυσκολία υπάρχει στην σχέση σου με τον εαυτό σου. Και αν σήμερα θέλεις να τους πεις πόσο όμορφοι είναι, είναι γιατί τα λόγια και οι πράξεις σου δεν κατευθύνονται εχθρικά προς τον εαυτό σου όπως χθες. Από τις σωστές για σένα επιλογές απορρέει από μέσα σου η επιθυμία να σου πεις μπράβο και έτσι καταλήγεις να επιβραβεύεις την ύπαρξη των άλλων που υπάρχουν εκεί και στέκουν τόσο όμορφοι. Με ιδιαίτερη ομορφιά, με την φιλικότητα και τον αυθορμητισμό τους, με την επιμονή και την εργατικότητά τους, με το άγχος τους, με την ντροπαλότητά τους. Όλοι βλέπεις σου αρέσουν τέτοιες μέρες που έχεις φροντίσει τον εαυτό σου και όλους τους αγαπάς ακόμη και αν είναι τόσο διαφορετικοί μεταξύ τους. Αποτελούν πλευρές του εαυτού σου και τις αποδέχεσαι. Μα εάν κάποια έχεις αποκλείσει από την ταυτότητά σου και δεν την θεωρείς δική σου πλευρά καταβάθος την ζηλεύεις και την αποστρέφεσαι σαν ατελής άνθρωπος που είσαι, που δεν του αρέσει να τον βαραίνει μία αίσθηση κατωτερότητας. Γι’ αυτό δεν πρέπει να φοβάσαι να γίνεις όλα αυτά που έχεις αποκλείσει πως μπορείς να είσαι. Αυτό ήταν μέχρι χτες. Σήμερα μπορείς να επιλέξεις από την αρχή. Μια επιλογή σε κρατά και η ιδέα πως δεν ήταν τέτοια όμορφα πράγματα στο πεδίο των επιλογών σου.
Όσο αγαπάς τον εαυτό σου τόσο θα αγαπάς τους άλλους. Όσο πιο όμορφο σε βρίσκεις τόσο θα βλέπεις ομορφιά στους άλλους.
Σταμάτα τις πράξεις που σε οδηγούνε σε φαύλους κύκλους αρνητικών συναισθημάτων. Αν σε τρέφει αυτή η ρόδα που πάνω της τσουλάς και ταυτόχρονα στην άσφαλτο πατιέσαι, μάθε να μην φοβάσαι να μείνεις εκτεθειμένος με τον πόνο σου, αντί να τον καλύπτεις με σκουπίδια. Μάθε πως όταν σταματήσεις τα εφήμερα παυσίπονα τότε θα σε διδάξει ο πόνος σου. Πρέπει να τον κοιτάξεις και μια φορά στα μάτια. Να μην τον πνίγεις με μία κουβέρτα για να εξαφανιστεί. Αντιθέτως, να καλύψεις εσένα με την κουβέρτα αυτή, να ζεσταθείς και ό, τι άσχημο ,θα δεις, που θα φύγει σαν μικρόβιο που δεν μπόρεσε να επιζήσει μέσα σε έναν οργανισμό που οι στρατιώτες του πολέμησαν με τόλμη και δύναμη για την προστασία του παλατιού τους. Γύμνασε τους πολεμιστές της ψυχής σου και θα γίνεις ο καλύτερος προστάτης του εαυτού σου. Γιατί όσο και να μην θέλουμε να το παραδεχτούμε εάν κατηγορούμε κάποιον για το κακό που μας έκανε, στην πραγματικότητα κατηγορούμε εμάς που μας φερθήκαμε με τέτοια αναισθησία και δεν μας προστατέψαμε όπως μας άξιζε. Και τέτοια ντροπή πώς να την ξεχάσεις; Με το να κάνεις τον εαυτό σου να σε εμπιστευτεί ξανά. Να πιστέψει πως εάν αφεθεί χαλαρός στα χέρια σου δεν θα βρεθεί ξανά στο πάτωμα, αλλά θα είσαι εκεί να τον αφήσεις να πέσει απαλά μέσα στην τρυφερή σου χούφτα.

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Ανθή Κατερίνη

Κάθε φορά που χάνομαι ανάμεσα στον ρεαλισμό και τον ρομαντισμό, στην αισιοδοξία και την απαισιοδοξία παίζω με τις λέξεις για να με ανακαλύψω. Οι σκέψεις μου χορεύουν στάζοντας μελάνι και δεν ξέρεις ποτέ τι θα σχηματίσουν τα βήματά τους. Η αδυναμία μου είναι οι όμορφες ψυχές. Μυρωδιές, μουσικές, εικόνες χρωματίζουν την καθημερινότητα μου. Στόχος μου είναι η αυτοβελτίωση γι’ αυτό συχνά αλλάζω αφήνοντας πίσω ότι στέκεται εμπόδιο ανάμεσα σε μένα και τον εαυτό μου.

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feautured

Η Ελλάδα πάντα από κάπου αιμορραγεί.

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Της Δικαίας Μαραβέλια.

Αγαπητέ μου Έλληνα, ξέρεις από τότε που η Ελλαδίτσα μας θυμάται τον εαυτό της, πάντα από κάπου αιμορραγεί.
Τραβάς εσύ από την μια, τραβούν οι υπόλοιποι από την άλλη και τώρα είναι η ώρα που χρειάζεται την καλύτερη περίθαλψη γιατί αιμορραγεί στο κέντρο της.
Οι αξίες μας, ο πολιτισμός μας, η ψυχή μας, εμείς οι ίδιοι αφήσαμε να μας τα πάρουν… και τώρα απαιτείς να στα επιστρέψουν. 
Φοβάσαι να πεις δημόσια, ότι φοβάσαι για τα παιδιά σου;
Ξέρεις φοβάμαι, που φοβάσαι. Φοβάμαι που νομίζεις ότι τα θέματα που απασχολούν ολόκληρο τον πλανήτη δεν σε απασχολούν.
Ναι ζούμε στην πιο ευλογημένη χώρα στο κόσμο, στην χώρα της δημοκρατίας, στην χώρα που κάνουμε ποστ μόνο, τις σοφίες των σοφών μας, χωρίς να γνωρίζουμε το βαθύτερο νόημα τους.
Φοβάμαι… αλλά είμαι αισιόδοξη. Για τα παιδιά ρε, για τα παιδιά μας!

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Δικαία Μαραβέλια

Η Δικαία Μαραβέλια ζει μόνιμα στη Σύμη.
Μεγαλωμένη και κανακεμένη, στα γόνατα του παπά Τάσου, με ιερή στιγμή αυτή που την τάϊζε γλυκό σταφύλι με τόση ευλάβεια, σαν να ήταν κοινωνία.
Τον έβλεπε πάντα να γράφει όταν δεν λειτουργούσε.
Τώρα έφτασε η ώρα να ακολουθήσει τα χνάρια του, συντροφιά με τους αγγέλους της.

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