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Και να που εγώ, έφτασα στο σημείο να μη θέλω να σε ξαναδώ.
Εδώ και λίγους μήνες αποφάσισα να κόψω οποιαδήποτε επικοινωνία μαζί σου. Η χρόνια ερωτική μας επαφή μου έκανε καλό αλλά και κακό ταυτόχρονα. Καλό γιατί ένιωσα πολύ δυνατά πράγματα και νιώθω τυχερή γι’αυτό. Κακό γιατί… Εδώ έχω να πω πολλά. Κι αυτός είναι ο πρώτος και κύριος λόγος που αποφάσισα να μη σου μιλάω.
Έτσι, λοιπόν, ας ξεκαθαρίσουμε κάποια πραγματάκια. Ξόδευες τζάμπα κι άδικα τις ώρες σου –οι οποίες ήταν συνήθως βραδινές, μετά τα μεσάνυχτα– για να απολαύσεις μια σωματική-σαρκική επαφή, η οποία θα σε ικανοποιούσε και θα σε επιβεβαίωνε. Δεν είχες ίχνος συναισθήματος, μια απ’ τις πιο σημαντικές λέξεις της ελληνικής γλώσσας. Δεν ξέρω τι έχεις νιώσει κι αν έχεις νιώσει κάτι για κάποιον. Δε σε κατηγορώ. Δικαίωμά σου.
Σε αντίθεση με σένα, εγώ, βλέπεις, ένιωσα. Σ’ αγάπησα, γιατί στην αγκαλιά σου ένιωθα ασφαλής και προστατευμένη, άσχετα που δεν ήταν πραγματικότητα. Περίμενα την ώρα και τη στιγμή που θα με έπαιρνες ξανά στα χέρια σου. Που θα με άγγιζες και θα ταξίδευα πάλι. Είχες έναν μαγικό τρόπο να με κρατάς δεμένη μαζί σου εγκεφαλικά και σωματικά. Ακόμα απορώ πώς το κατάφερες αυτό. Γιατί ενώ δεν προσπάθησες να μάθεις τίποτα για μένα ουσιαστικά, εγώ ένιωθα ότι είσαι το άλλο μου μισό. Με έβρισκες μελό, υπερβολική σε αυτά που έλεγα, με θεωρούσες γκρινιάρα και ότι σου σπάω τα νεύρα ενώ εγώ εκείνη τη στιγμή σου άνοιγα την καρδιά μου και τη ζωή μου.
Σίγουρα, δεν είμαι αθώα στην όλη ιστορία. Οπότε δεν μπορώ να πω ότι φταις εσύ ή εγώ. Υπάρχει, όμως, μία διαφορά. Εγώ ό,τι έκανα το έκανα γιατί προσπαθούσα για σένα κι ήθελα να σε μάθω, να σε γνωρίσω, να περάσω στιγμές μαζί σου και να σε ζήσω. Γιατί; Δεν υπάρχει γιατί. Απλά σε ήθελα. Σε γούσταρα. Πώς το λένε; Σε πήγαινα σαν άνθρωπο, ό,τι κι αν ήσουν.
Και να που εγώ, που θα γινόμουν χαλί να με πατήσεις κάποτε, έφτασα στο σημείο να μη θέλω να σε ξαναδώ. Δε σε ξέρω πια και δε σε αναγνωρίζω. Δε βρίσκω τίποτα που να μου θυμίζει εκείνον που ερωτεύτηκα. Το μόνο που βλέπω μπροστά μου είναι ένα πρόσωπο, το οποίο κυνηγάει το συμφέρον του με κάθε τρόπο. Θα μιλήσει, θα πράξει σύμφωνα με το τι έχει να κερδίσει. Άσ’ το καλύτερα. Δεν είμαι εγώ γι’ αυτά. Όντως δεν ταιριάζουμε, όπως μου έλεγες.
Ένα πράγμα μόνο δυσκολεύομαι ακόμα να αποδεχτώ. Πως ενώ με ξέρεις από μικρό, σχεδόν, παιδάκι δεν ξέρεις τίποτα για μένα. Δεν ενδιαφέρθηκες ποτέ να μάθεις κάτι παραπάνω πέρα απ’ το κρεβάτι μου. Που το έμαθες πολύ καλά αυτό.
Έτσι λοιπόν: «Μου αρέσουν τα βιβλία. Επαγγελματικά θα ήθελα στη ζωή μου να δουλέψω σε έναν εκδοτικό οίκο. Θα ήθελα να καταφέρω να γράψω κι ένα βιβλίο. Η φιλολογία δε με εμπνέει. Η φιλοσοφία με ελκύει και δε μετάνιωσα ποτέ που τη σπούδασα κι ας μη μου ανοίγει πόρτες για να δουλέψω. Αγχώνομαι που δεν έχω δουλειά. Το όνειρό μου είναι να ταξιδέψω σε πολλές γωνιές του κόσμου. Θα ήθελα να ζήσω μια μέρα στο εξωτερικό, χειμώνα, πίνοντας καφέ σε ένα σπίτι παλιό κοντά στο παράθυρο και κοιτώντας έξω τα μαγευτικά τοπία. Τον καφέ μου τον πίνω γλυκό με δυόμιση κουταλιές ζάχαρη.
Δε μου αρέσουν οι ξένες γλώσσες. Τραγικό, αλλά ακόμα με δυσκολεύουν τα αγγλικά, όσα χρόνια κι αν τα μάθαινα. Αγαπημένο μου χρώμα είναι το μαύρο. Θέλω να κάνω οικογένεια και παιδιά. Θέλω έναν άντρα τρελό και γεμάτο ζωή να με τραβάει όταν πέφτω. Από ζώα προτιμώ τα σκυλιά και δεν πολυσυμπαθώ τις γάτες. Αγαπώ το τατουάζ που έχω στο αριστερό μου χέρι. Χαίρομαι που ερωτεύτηκα έστω και μία φορά στη ζωή μου.
Όχι, δεν είμαι πάρτι άνιμαλ και δε χορεύω συχνά. Μου αρέσει η έντεχνη μουσική και κυρίως η ελληνική. Εμένα αυτή μου βγάζει συναίσθημα. Μου αρέσει κι η ξένη ροκ και κάποιες ξένες μπαλάντες. Λατρεύω να πίνω μερικές φορές μόνη μου καφέ, ακούγοντας τραγούδια και καπνίζοντας. Σπάνια φοράω πιτζάμες όταν κοιμάμαι, προτιμώ τις φόρμες. Αγαπημένη μου εποχή ο χειμώνας. Μου αρέσει κι η θάλασσα και το βουνό.
Νευριάζω πολύ εύκολα και έχω καλή μνήμη σαν άνθρωπος. Δένομαι με τους ανθρώπους και δε μου αρέσει όταν φεύγουν απ’ τη ζωή μου. Δεν ανοίγομαι εύκολα, ούτε κάνω εύκολα παρέες. Είμαι πολύ επιλεκτική αλλά είναι και τι θα σου βγάλει ο άλλος κάθε φορά».
Είναι τόσο απλά όλα αυτά και δεν ξέρεις τίποτα. Ποτέ δε με ρώτησες για κανένα από αυτά. Κι είχες τόσα χρόνια… Κι αν ξέρεις κάτι, από τύχη θα είναι, επειδή στο είπα κάποτε εγώ από μόνη μου.
Έχω παράπονο –πες το απωθημένο, δεν ξέρω– που δεν κάναμε τίποτα μαζί. Δε δώσαμε ευκαιρία –όχι στο σεξ, εκεί δώσαμε και με το παραπάνω– στο να γνωριστούμε κανονικά. Νομίζω ότι έπρεπε να στα πω. Για να μην ξεφτιλιστεί άλλο αυτό που είχαμε ή μάλλον αυτό που ένιωσα εγώ για σένα.
Γράφει η Βασιλική.
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Όσο αφήνεις το παρελθόν να σε στοιχειώνει, τόσο λιγότερο θα απολαμβάνεις τη ζωή σου
Όταν σκεφτόμαστε συνεχώς πράγματα από το παρελθόν μας, είτε αναπολώντας τα, είτε αναθεωρώντας τα, εγκλωβιζόμαστε σε μία παγίδα που μας κρατάει πίσω. Δεν δίνουμε αξία στο παρόν μας και έτσι δεν μπορούμε να χαρούμε τις εμπειρίες που βιώνουμε καθημερινά.
Η ζωή δεν είναι ένα ημερολόγιο γεγονότων που χρειάζεται ξεφύλλισμα από έναν παθητικό αναγνώστη, αλλά μία αρένα δραστηριοτήτων που πάντα έχει κάτι να μας τραβήξει το ενδιαφέρον. Το βέλος της ζωής δεν δείχνει ποτέ προς τα πίσω, δείχνει πάντα μπροστά.Έτσι, είναι ανώφελο κάποιος να κολλάει τη σκέψη του στο παρελθόν ή στο μέλλον σα να μην υπάρχει το “εδώ” και το “τώρα”.
Φυσικά, οι αναμνήσεις είναι εγγενές μέρος της ζωής και συχνά αναπόφευκτες. Είναι ένας τρόπος να μένουμε κοντά στα πρόσωπα που αγαπάμε και σε όσα είμαστε παθιασμένοι. Είναι το συστατικό της προσωπικής μας ταυτότητας και του χαρακτήρα μας. Είναι οι ρίζες βαθιά μέσα στον πυρήνα του εαυτού μας.
“Τό χθες δεν είναι τίποτα περισσότερο από την ανάμνηση του σήμερα, και τo αύριο, τo όνειρο του σήμερα”
-Kahlil Gibran-
Οι μνήμες είναι συχνά κάτι το απατηλό μιας και είναι φτιατσιδωμένες από τα γεγονότα του παρόντος και έτσι πέφτουν στη φάκα του νου. Η διαφορά ανάμεσα στις ψεύτικες και τις γνήσιες αναμνήσεις μοιάζει με τον τρόπο που ξεχωρίζουν τα φο-μπιζού από τα πραγματικά κοσμήματα, τα φο-μπιζού μοιάζουν αληθινά επειδή αστράφτουν πιο έντονα.
Η μνήμη μοιάζει με ένα όχι τόσο έξυπνο σκύλο που όταν του πετάξεις ένα ραβδί θα σου φέρει ένα διαφορετικό που βρίσκεται πιο δίπλα.
“Να ζείτε την κάθε μέρα της ζωής σας”
Η ζωή θα ήταν αδύνατη αν θυμόμασταν όλα όσα μας έχουν συμβεί
Ο Άλμπερτ Αϊνστάιν σε μία συνέντευξή του στο παρελθόν είχε ερωτηθεί τι κάνει όταν του έρχεται μία νέα ιδέα. Αν για παράδειγμα την καταγράφει σε ένα χαρτί ή σε κάποιο συγκεκριμένο σημειωματάριο. Απάντησε αποφασιστικά πως «Όταν έχω μια νέα καταπληκτική ιδέα, δεν τη ξεχνώ εύκολα». Και αυτή είναι η αλήθεια. Όταν κάτι μας συγκινεί σχεδόν αδύνατο να το ξεχάσουμε.
Έτσι, θυμόμαστε όσα είναι πραγματικά σημαντικά για μας και μας συναρπάζουν, γιατί ενεργοποιούνται οι περιοχές και οι νευρωνικές συνδέσεις του εγκεφάλου που είναι υπεύθυνες για τη διατήρηση αυτής της μνήμης.
Το πρόβλημα ανακύπτει όταν ο εγκέφαλος διατηρεί έντονα αναμνήσεις που θα πρέπει να ξεχάσουμε, γιατί δεν μας κάνουν καλό. Και ακριβώς αυτή η σήμανση συγκεκριμένων αναμνήσεων που επιθυμούμε να σβήσουμε είναι ο μηχανισμός που τις κρατά ζωντανές στο μυαλό μας.
Όπως πρεσβεύει και η μέθοδος της αντίστροφης ψυχολογίας, η διαδικασία της λήθης ξεκινά όταν αντίστοιχες καινούργιες μνήμες αντικαθιστούν τις παλιές μη επιθυμητές. Έτσι στο τέλος, όταν το μυαλό ανακτά μνήμες του παρελθόντος, έχει κάτι πιο φρέσκο να φέρει μπροστά μας!
“Πρέπει να ζουμε στο παρόν, να αναβαθμίζουμε τον εαυτό μας σε κάθε ευκαιρία που παρουσιάζεται μπροστά μας, να κερδίζουμε την αιωνιότητα κάθε στιγμή. Μόνο οι ανόητοι κάθονται στο νησί που κρύβει το θησαυρό κοιτώντας από μακριά άλλες παραλίες. Όπως δεν υπάρχουν άλλα νησιά για μας, έτσι υπάρχει μόνο μία ζωή που καλούμαστε να ζήσουμε.”
Η ανάμνηση μοιάζει με άρωμα που κρατά για πολύ
Οι απολαύσεις είναι λουλούδια που ανθίζουν όταν ζούμε τη ζωή μας, την παίρνουμε στα χέρια μας και τη γευόμαστε. Οι ευχάριστες αναμνήσεις είναι εκείνες που συνέβησαν τις στιγμές που έπρεπε και που δεν ξεχείλωσαν πέρα από τα όριά τους μη αφήνοντας να γευτούμε καινούργιες στιγμές.
Δεν θυμόμαστε γεγονότα στην ολότητά τους παρά μόνο συγκεκριμένες στιγμές, γι’ αυτό λοιπόν θα πρέπει να έχουμε βιώματα και εμπειρίες ξανά και ξανά. Ο πλούτος της ζωής βρίσκεται στις αναμνήσεις που συνεχίζουμε να κάνουμε και επιλέγουμε να κρατάμε. Μερικές φορές είναι δύσκολο να τολμήσουμε νέες εμπειρίες, ειδικά αν είμαστε κολλημένοι και περιχαρακωμένοι στη ζώνη άνεσης μας. Ωστόσο, αν θέλουμε να έχουμε ευχάριστες αναμνήσεις θα πρέπει να ζούμε μία έντονη ζωή.
Μολονότι, έχουμε ένα απτό και ικανό φυσικό σώμα και με τις αισθήσεις μας μπορούμε να έρθουμε σε επαφή με το εξωτερικό κόσμο και να τον καθορίσουμε όπως θέλουμε, εγκλωβιζόμαστε σε όσα μας λέει το μυαλό μας και η εσωτερική μας φωνή. Παρ’ όλο αυτό, θα πρέπει να πάρουμε μια απόφαση. Είτε Θα περάσουμε τη ζωή μας αναμασώντας όσα μας συνέβησαν στο παρελθόν και ενθυμούμενοι τις άσχημες εμπειρίες που είχαμε, είτε θα πάρουμε τον έλεγχο της ζωής μας, θα ζήσουμε νέες εμπειρίες και φυσικά θα ελέγξουμε τα συναισθήματά μας. Μόνο αν τολμήσουμε κάτι τέτοιο, θα μπορέσουμε να απολαύσουμε την ύπαρξή μας.
Το κλειδί για να βιώνουμε περισσότερο είναι να σκεφτόμαστε και να αναπολούμε το παρελθόν λιγότερο και να περιορίζουμε τις προσδοκίες που περιμένουμε να υλοποιηθούν στο μέλλον. Να αποδεχτούμε αυτά που έχουμε στο εδώ και στο τώρα και τίποτα περισσότερο. Να ζούμε τις στιγμές μας εμποδίζοντας τους εαυτούς μας να αποπροσανατολιστούν από τις παγίδες που βάζει το μυαλό.
Εν τέλει, ο προορισμός μας είναι να ζήσουμε, όμως καταλήγουμε να ζούμε ελάχιστα. Είναι η ώρα να αντιστρέψουμε αυτόν τον κανόνα. Η ευτυχία δεν βρίσκεται σε άλλο τόπο και χρόνο, αλλά στο παρόν στο εδώ και στο τώρα. θυμάστε πάντα.
Πηγές: share24.gr / Spirit Alive Εικόνα: Johnny Palacios Hidalgo paint
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Τάσος Λειβαδίτης: «Μάθε να αγαπάς αυτούς που δεν πληγώνουν την αγάπη»
Έμαθες να έλκεσαι από τα δύσκολα. Έμαθες να έλκεσαι από ανθρώπους που σε πλήγωναν εύκολα, που δεν δίσταζαν να σου πουν όχι, που δεν σε φρόντιζαν όσο θα ήθελες. Έμαθες να έλκεσαι από ανθρώπους που ενώ γνώριζες ότι δεν είσαι ευτυχισμένος, ευτυχισμένη, παρέμενες και το ονόμαζες σχέση.
Παλιά έλεγες ότι αξίζεις περισσότερα, σταδιακά όμως σταμάτησες να το λες. Τον ξέχασες τον εαυτό σου. Δικαιολογούσες όλες τις συμπεριφορές των άλλων. Έμαθες να εφευρίσκεις δικαιολογίες για όλες τις συμπεριφορές, για όλα τα λόγια, για αυτά που σε πλήγωναν. Έμαθες να λες ότι γίνεσαι πιο δυνατός, πιο δυνατή έτσι.
Έμαθες να προσπαθείς να σώσεις, ακόμα και αυτά που δεν σώζονται. Προσπαθούσες για χρόνια να πείσεις τον εαυτό σου ότι έτσι είναι οι σχέσεις. Δύσκολες, πρέπει πάντα να καταλαβαίνεις τον άλλον, απαιτούν μόνιμα συμβιβασμούς και μόνιμα έπρεπε να προσφέρεις εσύ.
Να σου πω όμως κάτι; Δεν είναι έτσι οι σχέσεις. Έμαθες να αγαπάς όσους πληγώνουν την αγάπη, όσους πλήγωναν εσένα. Ονόμαζες το λίγο πολύ και πάντα δικαιολογούσες. Πάντα έλεγες ότι καταλαβαίνεις τους άλλους και ότι στην αγάπη πρέπει πάντα να ακούμε. Να σου πω όμως κάτι;
Δεν είναι αυτό αγάπη. Στην αγάπη προσφέρουν και οι δύο, νιώθουν και οι δύο, ακούνε και οι δύο, φροντίζουν και θαυμάζουν και οι δύο, ρωτάνε και οι δύο, ενδιαφέρονται και οι δύο, είναι παρόντες και οι δύο, επιδιώκουν και οι δύο, προσφέρουν και οι δύο, θέλουν τη σχέση έμπρακτα και οι δύο.
Δεν πληγώνουν. Δεν μειώνουν. Δεν παραμελούν. Δεν αγνοούν. Δείχνουν, με λίγα ή με πολλά, δεν έχει σημασία. Σέβονται. Και είναι τόσο όμορφο να σε σέβονται, να σε θαυμάζουν, να σου λένε πόσο όμορφος είσαι ή πόσο όμορφο είναι αυτό που έφτιαξες.
Σταμάτησε να δικαιολογείς και να αρκείσαι στα λίγα. Φρόντισε τον εαυτό σου και αγάπησέ τον μέσα από τις επιλογές σου. Μην περιμένεις μία γιορτή για να σου δείξει ο άλλος αν σε αγαπάει. Αγάπη σημαίνει να σου δείχνω καθημερινά ότι αξίζω εγώ να είμαι δίπλα σου.
Ελένη Σολταρίδου – enallaktikidrasi.com
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Δε κλαίω γιατί είμαι αδύναμος! Κλαίω γιατί είμαι ζωντανός!
Ναι κλαίω. Κλαίω γιατί δεν είναι «ντροπή», επειδή δεν «εκτίθεμαι» όταν το κάνω όπως εσύ υποστηρίζεις. Κλαίω γιατί τα χω καλά με τον εαυτό μου κι έχω μάθει να μην τον καταπιέζω μόνο και μόνο για να μπορώ να εντάσσομαι στην κάθε κοινωνική νόρμα που θέλει τους «δυνατούς» αναίσθητους.
Κλαίω γιατί δεν είμαι αναίσθητος και επιλέγω να μην μηδενίζω τον ανθρώπινο συναισθηματισμό και την πηγαία δύναμη ξεσπάσματος που έχω μέσα μου και που όσο κι αν εσένα σου φαίνεται περίεργο, θέλει πολλά κουράγια να καταφέρεις να βγάλεις προς τα έξω.
Γιατί όταν αυτή η δύναμη απελευθερώνεται μένει εκεί για να σε ξυπνήσει, να σε κινητοποιήσει και να κατευθύνει την συνείδησή σου εκεί που έχεις ξεχάσει πώς να πάς.
Εκεί που είσαι άνθρωπος και εκφράζεσαι με ειλικρίνεια και θάρρος, όχι απέναντι στους άλλους αλλά απέναντι στον ίδιο σου τον εαυτό.
Εκεί που κοιτάς κατάματα την ψυχή σου και της ζητάς παραπονεμένα το λόγο που σ’ αφήνει να ζεις όπως σου λένε οι άλλοι. Εκεί που ο πόνος, η συγκίνηση, η αγανάκτηση , η χαρά είναι και πάλι μέρος του εαυτού σου κι όχι απαγορευμένες, ξεχασμένες καταστάσεις του είναι σου.
Και ναι έφτασα εκεί. Και ήταν δύσκολο να αντιμετωπίσω τον εαυτό μου, μάλλον, ήταν δύσκολο να τον βρω γιατί συνεχώς τον έχανα ψάχνοντάς τον πίσω από καλώς δημιουργημένα, κοινωνικώς αποδεκτά προσωπεία.
Κι όταν τον βρήκα επιτέλους φοβήθηκα, κι άρχισα να τρέχω με πανικό για να μην συνειδητοποιήσω άλλα. Και μακριά από αυτόν έτρεχα κι από όλους τους άλλους, που μου έδιναν ρηχά διδάγματα επιβίωσης και επέμεναν πως είμαι αδύναμος και πως πρέπει να «σκληρύνω» και να κρύψω τον εαυτό μου για να επιβιώσω.
Στο τέλος όμως σταμάτησα. Γιατί ήταν μάταιο και γιατί κουράστηκα. Σταμάτησα αποφασιστικά, γύρισα προς τα πίσω, είδα τον εαυτό μου, του χαμογέλασα, τον πήρα αγκαλιά και μαζί πήραμε τον δρόμο του γυρισμού. Και μαζί ήμασταν πιο δυνατοί απέναντι στους άλλους. Και δυσκολευτήκαμε και συναντήσαμε εμπόδια αλλά δεν είχε πλέον σημασία γιατί είμαι πλέον ζωντανός! Κι όταν αισθάνομαι το κάνω με όλη την έννοια της λέξης!
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