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Του Δημήτρη Δεγαμινιώτη

Κουτάκια μπύρας και τσιγάρα στο τραπεζάκι.. πιο κάτω τα ρούχα είναι πεταμένα αριστερά και δεξιά.. τα σεντόνια κάποια στιγμή πρέπει να τα αλλάξω.. μπουρδέλο η γκαρσονιέρα μπουρδέλο.. Παρασκευή βράδυ τι είχαμε τι χάσαμε..

– που θα πάμε σήμερα;

– Πουθενά..

Σήμερα λέω να κάτσω μέσα.. Βαριέμαι να βγω.. άσε που δεν θέλω να δω κανέναν.. έχω κάνει κεφάλι και με τις μπύρες και επειδή όταν πίνω μου αρέσει και να οδηγώ, καλύτερα να κάτσω μέσα.. Είναι από τις φορές που δεν μου κάνει όρεξη να βγω έξω να γνωρίσω καμία.. ή να πάω στις καβάτζες μου ρε αδερφέ.. ευτυχώς κάποιες καβάτζες δουλεύουν βράδυ και μπορώ να πάω να πιω ένα ποτό μόνος μου..

Καλή φάση..

Δεν ξέρω πόσοι από εσάς το έχετε κάνει ποτέ.. αλλά είναι καλή φάση. Τις πιο πολλές γυναίκες έτσι τις γνωρίζω. Πηγαίνω στο μαγαζί και κάθομαι σε μια γωνία στο μπαρ.. παίρνω το βλέμμα το θλιμμένο και το concept είναι έτοιμο. Εκτός από το ότι οι γυναίκες έρχονται σε εσένα,  χαλαρώνεις κιόλας, τα λες λίγο με τον εαυτό σου.

Αλλά σήμερα όχι λέω να κάτσω μέσα..

Δεν γαμάμε κύριε σήμερα κλείσαμε.. Μας γαμάνε άλλοι αυτό τον καιρό έχουμε πάρει τον ρόλο τον παθητικό και να δεις που στο τέλος θα μας αρέσει.. Νομίζω πως το τελευταίο καιρό είμαι πρωταγωνιστής σε όργιο.. Κάνω την πρωταγωνίστρια.. γαμήσι γαμήσι και πάλι δώσ΄του γαμήσι.. μου έχουν αλλάξει τα φώτα.. έχω ανάδρομο Ερμή δεν εξηγείται  αλλιώς..

Δεν μπορώ να εξηγήσω γιατί έχω γίνει τόσο περίεργος, μου φταίνε όλοι και τα πάντα..

Θέλω να βγω και να φωνάξω..

«Γιατί δεν έρχεσαι.. γιατί δεν έρχεσαι όταν σε θέλω.. από της ζωής μου το ιερό ως της ψυχής μου το μπουρδέλο είσαι μια γέφυρα να πάω και να΄ρθω»..

Θέλω να βγω έξω και να το φωνάξω με όλη την δύναμη της φωνής μου, να βγούνε όλοι οι γείτονες έξω και να με κοιτάζουν, κάποιος μαλάκας θα φωνάξει την αστυνομία να με μαζέψει.

Αλλά θέλω να βγω και να το φωνάξω. Θέλω να το φωνάξω και να έρθει.. να έρθει.. Ξέρω δεν γίνονται αυτά που λέω αλλά θέλω να έρθει.. Να είναι σαν παραμύθι, σαν κάτι μαγικό.. Να δω στο βάθος του δρόμου να έρχεται.. Να με πλησιάσει αργά αργά και να με χαϊδέψει.. Να με κάνει να ηρεμήσω να με πάρει μια αγκαλιά.. Να ακουμπήσω το χέρι μου στον λαιμό της και να νιώσω τις φλέβες της να ανεβοκατεβαίνουν σε κάθε αναπνοή της.. Να ακουμπήσω τα χείλη μου στον ώμο της και να την φιλήσω τρυφερά.. Να αισθανθώ το δέρμα της, τόσο απαλό και λείο που τρέμεις ολόκληρος σε κάθε χάδι της..

Γιατί δεν έρχεσαι; Γιατί δεν έρχεσαι;

Πόσο εγωιστικό είναι όμως να θέλεις ένα τέτοιο πλάσμα να σε βγάλει από της ζωής σου το μπουρδέλο..

Εγωιστικό δεν είναι;

Είναι σαν το πλυντήριο.. δεν αναμιγνύεις ποτέ τα λευκά με τα σκούρα γιατί στο τέλος όλα θα βγουν μαύρα.. Πως λοιπόν θέλεις να έρθει το αγνό σε εσένα; Δεν το αξίζεις φίλε μου, δεν το αξίζεις..

Και όμως λένε πως τα αντίθετα έλκονται..

μαλακίες..

Όσες έχω γνωρίσει πουτάνες είναι σαν και εμένα.

Και εγώ μια πουτάνα είμαι, μια μπεκρού πουτάνα..

Γιατί λοιπόν να ζητάω κάτι το οποίο δεν αξίζω;

Γιατί λοιπόν να ζητάω κάτι για το όποιο δεν έχω την εικόνα του στο μυαλό μου;

Και όμως και  εγώ θέλω να έρθει.. θέλω και εγώ να γίνω για λίγο παιδί.. θέλω και εγώ να αισθανθώ μια γυναικεία αγκαλιά, να χαθώ μέσα της χωρίς να σκέφτομαι εάν κάποιος με βλέπει και χαλάσει η «εικόνα» μου, να χαθώ μέσα της και να κλάψω σαν μικρό παιδί..

Να χαθώ μέσα της και για μισό λεπτό να νιώσω γαλήνη, να νιώσω καθαρός, να νιώσω λίγο όπως ήμουν παιδί,

αγνός, καθάριος..

Και μετά θέλω να φύγει.

Να φύγει μακριά μου πριν προλάβει η μαυρίλα μου να ποτίσει το δέρμα της, πριν προλάβει να την αγγίξει..

Ακούγοντας αυτό το τραγούδι του Μάλαμα συνειδητοποιώ πως στην δική μου ζωή δεν υπάρχει κάποιος για να έρθει..

Και ίσως αυτό είναι χειρότερο, να ακούς ένα τραγούδι που σε αγγίζει τόσο πολύ και να μην μπορείς να το μετουσιώσεις σε μια μικρή εικόνα μέσα στο μυαλό σου..

Και εκεί κατηγορώ τον εαυτό μου που πάντα μα πάντα έμενε σε αυτό που έβλεπε.

Τελικά το να είσαι αναίσθητος σε όλες αυτές τις καταστάσεις έχει και το τίμημα του..

Χάνεις τον πραγματικό λόγο μιας σχέσης – που είναι η αγάπη.

Και εκεί σκέφτομαι μα δεν υπάρχει αγάπη, ποιον κοροϊδεύουμε.. Και αρχίζω να μπερδεύομαι.. Και να συνέρχομαι.. να σκέφτομαι πόσες γυναίκες έχω γνωρίσει και να χαζογελάω λες και έχω κάνει κάποιο κατόρθωμα..

Αλήθεια πόσες γυναίκες έχω πραγματικά γνωρίσει..

Μπορεί και καμία.

Δεν πιστεύω πως έχω ζητήσει κάτι άλλο πέρα από το σεξ.

Ε βέβαια! Είδες μαλακία που έκανα.. Έχασα τα καλύτερα. Αλήθεια όμως ποια είναι τα καλύτερα;

Δεν υπάρχει αγάπη. Δεν υπάρχει.

Όταν παίζεις τον ρόλο του τρίτου σε πολλές σχέσεις τα απομυθοποιείς όλα..

Και τώρα τι γίνεται;

Τι κάνεις εκείνες τις στιγμές που θέλεις λίγη αγάπη;

Θέλεις αυτήν την ξεχωριστή φιγούρα να έρθει και να γίνει μια γέφυρα στην ζωή και την ψυχή σου, να σε κάνει να νιώσεις την μαγεία του να είσαι άνθρωπος..

..τι κάνεις;

Δεν ξέρω, μάλλον αυτές τις στιγμές τις κρατάς μέσα σου..

Και όλες αυτές μαζί λειτουργούν αθροιστικά.. είναι ένα κουτάκι μέσα σου που όλο και το γεμίζεις γεμίζεις, γεμίζεις.. και αλίμονο σε αυτόν που δεν το ανοίξει ποτέ.. και αλίμονο σε αυτόν που έχει σταματήσει να πιστεύει σε παραμύθια.

Δημήτρης Δεγαμινιώτης

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Όσο αφήνεις το παρελθόν να σε στοιχειώνει, τόσο λιγότερο θα απολαμβάνεις τη ζωή σου

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Όταν σκεφτόμαστε συνεχώς πράγματα από το παρελθόν μας, είτε αναπολώντας τα, είτε αναθεωρώντας τα, εγκλωβιζόμαστε σε μία παγίδα που μας κρατάει πίσω. Δεν δίνουμε αξία στο παρόν μας και έτσι δεν μπορούμε να χαρούμε τις εμπειρίες που βιώνουμε καθημερινά.

Η ζωή δεν είναι ένα ημερολόγιο γεγονότων που χρειάζεται ξεφύλλισμα από έναν παθητικό αναγνώστη, αλλά μία αρένα δραστηριοτήτων που πάντα έχει κάτι να μας τραβήξει το ενδιαφέρον. Το βέλος της ζωής δεν δείχνει ποτέ προς τα πίσω, δείχνει πάντα μπροστά.Έτσι, είναι ανώφελο κάποιος να κολλάει τη σκέψη του στο παρελθόν ή στο μέλλον σα να μην υπάρχει το “εδώ” και το “τώρα”.

Φυσικά, οι αναμνήσεις είναι εγγενές μέρος της ζωής και συχνά αναπόφευκτες. Είναι ένας τρόπος να μένουμε κοντά στα πρόσωπα που αγαπάμε και σε όσα είμαστε παθιασμένοι. Είναι το συστατικό της προσωπικής μας ταυτότητας και του χαρακτήρα μας. Είναι οι ρίζες βαθιά μέσα στον πυρήνα του εαυτού μας.

“Τό χθες δεν είναι τίποτα περισσότερο από την ανάμνηση του σήμερα, και τo αύριο, τo όνειρο του σήμερα”

-Kahlil Gibran-

Οι μνήμες είναι συχνά κάτι το απατηλό μιας και είναι φτιατσιδωμένες από τα γεγονότα του παρόντος και έτσι πέφτουν στη φάκα του νου. Η διαφορά ανάμεσα στις ψεύτικες και τις γνήσιες αναμνήσεις μοιάζει με τον τρόπο που ξεχωρίζουν τα φο-μπιζού από τα πραγματικά κοσμήματα, τα φο-μπιζού μοιάζουν αληθινά επειδή αστράφτουν πιο έντονα.

Η μνήμη μοιάζει με ένα όχι τόσο έξυπνο σκύλο που όταν του πετάξεις ένα ραβδί θα σου φέρει ένα διαφορετικό που βρίσκεται πιο δίπλα.

“Να ζείτε την κάθε μέρα της ζωής σας”

Η ζωή θα ήταν αδύνατη αν θυμόμασταν όλα όσα μας έχουν συμβεί

Ο Άλμπερτ Αϊνστάιν σε μία συνέντευξή του στο παρελθόν είχε ερωτηθεί τι κάνει όταν του έρχεται μία νέα ιδέα. Αν για παράδειγμα την καταγράφει σε ένα χαρτί ή σε κάποιο συγκεκριμένο σημειωματάριο. Απάντησε αποφασιστικά πως «Όταν έχω μια νέα καταπληκτική ιδέα, δεν τη ξεχνώ εύκολα». Και αυτή είναι η αλήθεια. Όταν κάτι μας συγκινεί σχεδόν αδύνατο να το ξεχάσουμε.

Έτσι, θυμόμαστε όσα είναι πραγματικά σημαντικά για μας και μας συναρπάζουν, γιατί ενεργοποιούνται οι περιοχές και οι νευρωνικές συνδέσεις του εγκεφάλου που είναι υπεύθυνες για τη διατήρηση αυτής της μνήμης.

Το πρόβλημα ανακύπτει όταν ο εγκέφαλος διατηρεί έντονα αναμνήσεις που θα πρέπει να ξεχάσουμε, γιατί δεν μας κάνουν καλό. Και ακριβώς αυτή η σήμανση συγκεκριμένων αναμνήσεων που επιθυμούμε να σβήσουμε είναι ο μηχανισμός που τις κρατά ζωντανές στο μυαλό μας.

Όπως πρεσβεύει και η μέθοδος της αντίστροφης ψυχολογίας, η διαδικασία της λήθης ξεκινά όταν αντίστοιχες καινούργιες μνήμες αντικαθιστούν τις παλιές μη επιθυμητές. Έτσι στο τέλος, όταν το μυαλό ανακτά μνήμες του παρελθόντος, έχει κάτι πιο φρέσκο να φέρει μπροστά μας!

“Πρέπει να ζουμε στο παρόν, να αναβαθμίζουμε τον εαυτό μας σε κάθε ευκαιρία που παρουσιάζεται μπροστά μας, να κερδίζουμε την αιωνιότητα κάθε στιγμή. Μόνο οι ανόητοι κάθονται στο νησί που κρύβει το θησαυρό κοιτώντας από μακριά άλλες παραλίες. Όπως δεν υπάρχουν άλλα νησιά για μας, έτσι υπάρχει μόνο μία ζωή που καλούμαστε να ζήσουμε.”

Η ανάμνηση μοιάζει με άρωμα που κρατά για πολύ

Οι απολαύσεις είναι λουλούδια που ανθίζουν όταν ζούμε τη ζωή μας, την παίρνουμε στα χέρια μας και τη γευόμαστε. Οι ευχάριστες αναμνήσεις είναι εκείνες που συνέβησαν τις στιγμές που έπρεπε και που δεν ξεχείλωσαν πέρα από τα όριά τους μη αφήνοντας να γευτούμε καινούργιες στιγμές.

Δεν θυμόμαστε γεγονότα στην ολότητά τους παρά μόνο συγκεκριμένες στιγμές, γι’ αυτό λοιπόν θα πρέπει να έχουμε βιώματα και εμπειρίες ξανά και ξανά. Ο πλούτος της ζωής βρίσκεται στις αναμνήσεις που συνεχίζουμε να κάνουμε και επιλέγουμε να κρατάμε. Μερικές φορές είναι δύσκολο να τολμήσουμε νέες εμπειρίες, ειδικά αν είμαστε κολλημένοι και περιχαρακωμένοι στη ζώνη άνεσης μας. Ωστόσο, αν θέλουμε να έχουμε ευχάριστες αναμνήσεις θα πρέπει να ζούμε μία έντονη ζωή.

Μολονότι, έχουμε ένα απτό και ικανό φυσικό σώμα και με τις αισθήσεις μας μπορούμε να έρθουμε σε επαφή με το εξωτερικό κόσμο και να τον καθορίσουμε όπως θέλουμε, εγκλωβιζόμαστε σε όσα μας λέει το μυαλό μας και η εσωτερική μας φωνή. Παρ’ όλο αυτό, θα πρέπει να πάρουμε μια απόφαση. Είτε Θα περάσουμε τη ζωή μας αναμασώντας όσα μας συνέβησαν στο παρελθόν και ενθυμούμενοι τις άσχημες εμπειρίες που είχαμε, είτε θα πάρουμε τον έλεγχο της ζωής μας, θα ζήσουμε νέες εμπειρίες και φυσικά θα ελέγξουμε τα συναισθήματά μας. Μόνο αν τολμήσουμε κάτι τέτοιο, θα μπορέσουμε να απολαύσουμε την ύπαρξή μας.

Το κλειδί για να βιώνουμε περισσότερο είναι να σκεφτόμαστε και να αναπολούμε το παρελθόν λιγότερο και να περιορίζουμε τις προσδοκίες που περιμένουμε να υλοποιηθούν στο μέλλον. Να αποδεχτούμε αυτά που έχουμε στο εδώ και στο τώρα και τίποτα περισσότερο. Να ζούμε τις στιγμές μας εμποδίζοντας τους εαυτούς μας να αποπροσανατολιστούν από τις παγίδες που βάζει το μυαλό.

Εν τέλει, ο προορισμός μας είναι να ζήσουμε, όμως καταλήγουμε να ζούμε ελάχιστα. Είναι η ώρα να αντιστρέψουμε αυτόν τον κανόνα. Η ευτυχία δεν βρίσκεται σε άλλο τόπο και χρόνο, αλλά στο παρόν στο εδώ και στο τώρα. θυμάστε πάντα.

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Τάσος Λειβαδίτης: «Μάθε να αγαπάς αυτούς που δεν πληγώνουν την αγάπη»

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Έμαθες να έλκεσαι από τα δύσκολα. Έμαθες να έλκεσαι από ανθρώπους που σε πλήγωναν εύκολα, που δεν δίσταζαν να σου πουν όχι, που δεν σε φρόντιζαν όσο θα ήθελες. Έμαθες να έλκεσαι από ανθρώπους που ενώ γνώριζες ότι δεν είσαι ευτυχισμένος, ευτυχισμένη, παρέμενες και το ονόμαζες σχέση.

Παλιά έλεγες ότι αξίζεις περισσότερα, σταδιακά όμως σταμάτησες να το λες. Τον ξέχασες τον εαυτό σου. Δικαιολογούσες όλες τις συμπεριφορές των άλλων. Έμαθες να εφευρίσκεις δικαιολογίες για όλες τις συμπεριφορές, για όλα τα λόγια, για αυτά που σε πλήγωναν. Έμαθες να λες ότι γίνεσαι πιο δυνατός, πιο δυνατή έτσι.

Έμαθες να προσπαθείς να σώσεις, ακόμα και αυτά που δεν σώζονται. Προσπαθούσες για χρόνια να πείσεις τον εαυτό σου ότι έτσι είναι οι σχέσεις. Δύσκολες, πρέπει πάντα να καταλαβαίνεις τον άλλον, απαιτούν μόνιμα συμβιβασμούς και μόνιμα έπρεπε να προσφέρεις εσύ.

Να σου πω όμως κάτι; Δεν είναι έτσι οι σχέσεις. Έμαθες να αγαπάς όσους πληγώνουν την αγάπη, όσους πλήγωναν εσένα. Ονόμαζες το λίγο πολύ και πάντα δικαιολογούσες. Πάντα έλεγες ότι καταλαβαίνεις τους άλλους και ότι στην αγάπη πρέπει πάντα να ακούμε. Να σου πω όμως κάτι;

Δεν είναι αυτό αγάπη. Στην αγάπη προσφέρουν και οι δύο, νιώθουν και οι δύο, ακούνε και οι δύο, φροντίζουν και θαυμάζουν και οι δύο, ρωτάνε και οι δύο, ενδιαφέρονται και οι δύο, είναι παρόντες και οι δύο, επιδιώκουν και οι δύο, προσφέρουν και οι δύο, θέλουν τη σχέση έμπρακτα και οι δύο.

Δεν πληγώνουν. Δεν μειώνουν. Δεν παραμελούν. Δεν αγνοούν. Δείχνουν, με λίγα ή με πολλά, δεν έχει σημασία. Σέβονται. Και είναι τόσο όμορφο να σε σέβονται, να σε θαυμάζουν, να σου λένε πόσο όμορφος είσαι ή πόσο όμορφο είναι αυτό που έφτιαξες.

Σταμάτησε να δικαιολογείς και να αρκείσαι στα λίγα. Φρόντισε τον εαυτό σου και αγάπησέ τον μέσα από τις επιλογές σου. Μην περιμένεις μία γιορτή για να σου δείξει ο άλλος αν σε αγαπάει. Αγάπη σημαίνει να σου δείχνω καθημερινά ότι αξίζω εγώ να είμαι δίπλα σου.

Ελένη Σολταρίδου – enallaktikidrasi.com

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Δε κλαίω γιατί είμαι αδύναμος! Κλαίω γιατί είμαι ζωντανός!

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Ναι κλαίω. Κλαίω γιατί δεν είναι «ντροπή», επειδή δεν «εκτίθεμαι» όταν το κάνω όπως εσύ υποστηρίζεις. Κλαίω γιατί τα χω καλά με τον εαυτό μου κι έχω μάθει να μην τον καταπιέζω μόνο και μόνο για να μπορώ να εντάσσομαι στην κάθε κοινωνική νόρμα που θέλει τους «δυνατούς» αναίσθητους.

Κλαίω γιατί δεν είμαι αναίσθητος και επιλέγω να μην μηδενίζω τον ανθρώπινο συναισθηματισμό και την πηγαία δύναμη ξεσπάσματος που έχω μέσα μου και που όσο κι αν εσένα σου φαίνεται περίεργο, θέλει πολλά κουράγια να καταφέρεις να βγάλεις προς τα έξω.

Γιατί όταν αυτή η δύναμη απελευθερώνεται μένει εκεί για να σε ξυπνήσει, να σε κινητοποιήσει και να κατευθύνει την συνείδησή σου εκεί που έχεις ξεχάσει πώς να πάς.

Εκεί που είσαι άνθρωπος και εκφράζεσαι με ειλικρίνεια και θάρρος, όχι απέναντι στους άλλους αλλά απέναντι στον ίδιο σου τον εαυτό.

Εκεί που κοιτάς κατάματα την ψυχή σου και της ζητάς παραπονεμένα το λόγο που σ’ αφήνει να ζεις όπως σου λένε οι άλλοι. Εκεί που ο πόνος, η συγκίνηση, η αγανάκτηση , η χαρά είναι και πάλι μέρος του εαυτού σου κι όχι απαγορευμένες, ξεχασμένες καταστάσεις του είναι σου.

Και ναι έφτασα εκεί. Και ήταν δύσκολο να αντιμετωπίσω τον εαυτό μου, μάλλον, ήταν δύσκολο να τον βρω γιατί συνεχώς τον έχανα ψάχνοντάς τον πίσω από καλώς δημιουργημένα, κοινωνικώς αποδεκτά προσωπεία.

Κι όταν τον βρήκα επιτέλους φοβήθηκα, κι άρχισα να τρέχω με πανικό για να μην συνειδητοποιήσω άλλα. Και μακριά από αυτόν έτρεχα κι από όλους τους άλλους, που μου έδιναν ρηχά διδάγματα επιβίωσης και επέμεναν πως είμαι αδύναμος και πως πρέπει να «σκληρύνω» και να κρύψω τον εαυτό μου για να επιβιώσω.

Στο τέλος όμως σταμάτησα. Γιατί ήταν μάταιο και γιατί κουράστηκα. Σταμάτησα αποφασιστικά, γύρισα προς τα πίσω, είδα τον εαυτό μου, του χαμογέλασα, τον πήρα αγκαλιά και μαζί πήραμε τον δρόμο του γυρισμού. Και μαζί ήμασταν πιο δυνατοί απέναντι στους άλλους. Και δυσκολευτήκαμε και συναντήσαμε εμπόδια αλλά δεν είχε πλέον σημασία γιατί είμαι πλέον ζωντανός! Κι όταν αισθάνομαι το κάνω με όλη την έννοια της λέξης!

Κι αν θέλω να κλάψω θα το κάνω, ακόμη κι αν είναι με μια μικρή λεπτομέρεια που με συγκίνησε και βελτίωσε ολιγόλεπτα την βαρετή καθημερινότητα που έχετε δημιουργήσει, και που ευτυχώς πλέον βιώνω ως απλός παρατηρητής. Και ευτυχώς δεν είμαι μόνος μου. Υπάρχουν κι άλλοι σαν κι εμένα και θα υπάρξουν ακόμη περισσότεροι.

Θα κλάψω γιατί είμαι ζωντανός και αν ο λόγος δεν σας αρκεί και θέλετε κάτι πιο «λογικό», θα κλάψω για σας και τον χαμένο σας συναισθηματισμό. Όχι για να σας θρηνήσω αλλά για να σας κάνω να θυμηθείτε τι θα πει «είμαι ζωντανός».

Σας χαιρετώ,

Ένας ζωντανός άνθρωπος

Πηγή: have2read
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