Της Στεύης Τσούτση.
Θέλω λίγο την προσοχή σου.
Μια στιγμή μόνο κοίταξέ με κι ύστερα ξαναγύρισε σε ότι σημαντικό ή ασήμαντο κάνεις.
Κάτι που προφανέστατα είναι πιο ενδιαφέρον από μένα, για να εξηγεί την προσκόλληση σου.
Πρόσεξε με.
Μίλα μου. Δε θέλω πολλά λόγια. Μερικές φορές, μάλιστα, δε θέλω καθόλου λόγια.
Μου αρκεί ένα βλέμμα, ένα χάδι, μια αγκαλιά.
Έτσι για να νιώσω ότι υπάρχω κι εγώ. Για να νιώσω κάπως, πως να στο πω, σημαντική.
Δεν ξέρω αν είμαι.
Εσύ πάντως λες ότι είμαι. Εγώ πάλι λέω ότι δεν ξέρω.
Πολλά λόγια κι όμως τόσο λίγα. Τόσα φτωχά και τόσο αδύναμα να με καθησυχάσουν.
Τόσο ανήμπορα να διώξουν τη μοναξιά μου που ολοένα μεγαλώνει.
Είσαι εδώ μα δεν είσαι.
Άλλα σε ενδιαφέρουν, με άλλα ασχολείσαι κι εγώ απομένω μια ρουτίνα.
Γλυκιά ίσως. Όχι απαραίτητα καταναγκαστική, ας μη φέρνω την καταστροφή. Αλλά ρουτίνα.
Η καλημέρα, η καληνύχτα, το φιλί, το χάδι.
Σου χτυπώ στα μούτρα πως άλλαξες. Και το αρνείσαι.
Σου λέω πως δε μ’αγαπάς πια. Και λες πως δεν ισχύει.
Σε κατηγορώ πως με παραμελείς. Κι εσύ με θεωρείς τρελή και υπερβολική.
Μπορεί και να’μαι.
Αλλά δώσε μου κάτι.
Κάτι που θα μπορέσει να νικήσει εκείνο το τέρας της ανασφάλειας που μεγαλώνει μέσα μου.
Κάτι που θα μπορέσει να με σώσει από το βάλτο του φόβου πως σε χάνω.
Βουλιάζω και δεν έχω τίποτα να πιαστώ. Σου απλώνω το χέρι για βοήθεια κι εσύ απλά με χαιρετάς από μακριά. Χαμογελάς…
Κι εγώ ολοένα και βυθίζομαι. Μόνη. Γεμάτη φόβους, ανασφάλειες και άγχη.
Θέλω να με θέλεις.
Θέλω να με αγαπάς.
Θέλω να με προσέχεις.
Να μου δείχνεις με τον πιο μικρό, τον πιο αόρατο τρόπο πως με θέλεις στη ζωή σου.
Χωρίς λόγια. Θα το καταλάβω.
Μου αρκεί ένα κάτι για να πιαστώ.
Ένα μικρό κάτι που θα με κάνει να πιστέψω σε αυτά που με τόσο σθένος φωνάζεις.
Πως είμαστε καλά και πως δεν τρέχει κάτι.
Πως δε μου φεύγεις μέρα τη μέρα.
Και ναι θα τα δεχτώ όσα μου λες. Γιατί ξέρω πως είσαι ειλικρινής και πως αν δεν ήθελες δε θα ήσουν εδώ. Θα είχες πει ένα συγνώμη και θα είχες κλείσει πίσω σου, δίχως δεύτερη κουβέντα, την πόρτα.
Μα κατάλαβε ένα πράγμα.
Η αγάπη σε δοκιμάζει κάθε μέρα. Κάθε στιγμή πρέπει να τη χάνεις κι επιτόπου να την ξαναδιεκδικείς. Να την κερδίζεις. Να της θυμίζεις γιατί αξίζει να υπάρχει ανάμεσα μας.
Αυτό θέλω να κάνεις κι εσύ.
Δε μου αρκεί να μ’αγαπάς. Διεκδίκησέ με. Ξανά και ξανά.
Αφού με θέλεις δείξ’ το μου.
Απλά μαθηματικά που εμείς από αδιαφορία τα κάνουμε διαφορικές εξισώσεις.
Τα κάνουμε ακατάληπτα, ζόρικα κι ενίοτε άλυτα.
Σήμερα θέλω να με βγάλεις ραντεβού.
Θέλω να με κρατήσεις από το χέρι και να με κοιτάξεις μες τα μάτια.
Θέλω να μου πεις πόσο σ’αρέσει αυτό που φοράω κι ας το έχεις δει να λιώνει πάνω μου τόσο καιρό.
Να πιούμε το ποτό μας και να μιλήσουμε περί ανέμων και υδάτων.
Όχι για προβλήματα και λογαριασμούς. Όχι για δόσεις και περικοπές.
Μίλα μου για μουσική, για βιβλία. Μίλα μου για μας.
Έλα να κάνουμε όνειρα μετρώντας τα αστέρια. Ας χαρίσουμε στη ζωή μας ένα νέο αστραφτερό όνειρο. Μου έχει λείψει να το κάνουμε.
Έλα να θυμηθούμε πως είναι να μ’αγαπάς και να σ’αγαπώ όπως την πρώτη μέρα.
Έλα να αγαπηθούμε από την αρχή, αν πια βαλτώσαμε τόσο που λησμονήσαμε τα βασικά.
Μόνο κράτα με.
Και να με προσέχεις.
Κι όταν με πιάνουν οι ανασφάλειές μου να με αντέχεις.
Και να τις διώχνεις μακριά.
Όπως μόνο έσυ, πάντα και για πάντα εσύ, ξέρεις τον τρόπο…
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